Just. Love.

...So, I don't like crowds.  I am not comfortable in crowds, I get all nervous and sweaty and even a little paranoid whenever I find myself in large groups of people.  And, I am OK with admitting that it is a weakness.

I wasn't always that way.

I began not liking crowds a few years ago when I was treated very very badly while I was in a crowd.  Then came the fear, self blame, the shame and the self loathing - then the Police report, police investigation, and the photo lineup.  There was a workplace connection, so then came dealing with HR, and the emotions that come with dealing their 'mismanagement of information' - more fear, more shame, and more self blame.  Then came the need to take extra measures to protect myself, my husband and my kids at our home, our work, and at their schools.  Then came the stress leave and the therapy.  Then there was trying to re-establish myself back into my old work environment...  Then there were meetings with all levels of authority and anger and frustration and then attempts at retribution, and encouragement to make amends... Then there was the whole choosing to leave my career for a minimum wage retail position, changing fields, then changing back, but with a different company.

This became my theme song... (click here if video doesn't show up below)

Someday, I hope to be brave enough to write THAT post.  But not today.  Just know that my dislike and fear of crowds is one that I have duly earned.

But... We all know crowds are unavoidable.  They are part of life.  

Well, at least they are a part of my life.  I am head over heals for this guy who loves to play music to crowds, and it is my whole hearted desire to support him in all things that make his eyes sparkle and his heart feel peaceful...  

Also, together, we loved to take in live shows.  We always have.  We have planned vacations around when our favorite bands are touring and gone to where they will be playing next.  This is not something I could give up.  

All of these scenarios leave me constantly checking in with myself to rationalize this almost debilitating fear (at first I wouldn't even go to the grocery store) down to something I can manage, so I can keep doing the things that I love.

This past weekend we had the opportunity to take in, for the first time, the Edmonton Folk Music Festival.  For those who don't know, this music festival takes place over four days on seven stages at a local ski hill, and it sells out (around ten thousand tickets) almost instantly.  It has been going on for 30 some odd years, and has a fabulous reputation for putting on a kick ass show of amazing talent from all over the world, and is something our city is, and should be, very proud of.

But... It draws a crowd.

On the last day of the festival, Sunday, I was exhausted.  

I was exhausted physically, from walking up and down 'the hill' countless times over the course of the past four days, the late nights, the early mornings, and the packing around all our required daily belongings.

I was exhausted emotionally, from having to constantly talk myself off the ledge after being in the throngs of a huge crowd for four days running.

I was about 'festivalled out'.

So, on this day, my husband and I sat on the hill in our chosen location waiting for the final few acts to perform on the main stage.

Then this weird thing happened.  

I don't know if it was all the pot in the air - and there was A LOT - or if I had been just exhausted enough that my carefully placed defenses were beginning to crumble.  But it was like I passed through a worm hole to clarity and peace in the most unlikeliest of places... 

- ya, when I word it like that, it kinda sounds like it was totally the pot. -

All joking aside, it was a very spiritual happening for me.

I started looking into each face of each person who passed me.  Really looking...  Really seeing...

To my surprise, I suddenly didn't see them as part of this huge threatening crowd.

I saw them as a person.  An individual.

As one who laughs and reads and sings and dances.

As one who cried when their dog died, or when someone they loved was sick, or when someone made them feel sad or unworthy.

As one who has self doubt, insecurities, and flaws... and tries every day to overcome them.

As one who has huge dreams that they are just trying to live into.

As one who has to conquer fears every day.

As one who is a friend, a spouse, a child, and a parent.

As one who means the absolute world to someone else.

As one who is just plugging along in this life looking for ways to be blissfully happy.

I saw them as people. Vulnerable, flawed, happy, and loved.  

I saw them as valuable, beautiful, precious souls.

I started wondering what their story was...  What made them who they were...  I spent the entire evening in that head space.

And I found myself just loving them all.

I found myself happy to be in their space, happy to share these moments of amazing live music, with these people whom I didn't even know, but was looking at from the purest part of me.  Without fear, and without judgement.

It was re-emphasized to me that we are all the same.

We are all beautiful, precious souls - trying to maneuver in this life as best we can, amid the noise and the distractions, just looking for ways to connect, and reasons to smile as often as we can along the way.

Just. Love. and keep smiling.

Hello old friend...

I close my eyes on this day contemplating grief.

Stages of Grief

Perhaps it is a staircase. Each step containing all the stages of grief in various quantities, configurations and winding paths. You carry on with the mazes and paths on that step bouncing among the stages until the pain dulls a little... And once you get used to that step, and are comfortable with it, the next step suddenly reveals its self...

This step also contains all the stages of grief. You know them well, you have become old friends... But again, they show up in different variations- they blaze new trails in areas that are new... Bringing a sadness that sits a little deeper in your heart. It can catch you off guard, the punch it packs - as you let the stages of grief lead you through the paths and mazes they are blazing ahead of you.

You have learned to trust the stages of grief. They have never failed you. You have learned over the years that resisting them is futile. That you stay stuck in one place if you refuse to walk the way it leads you. That the fastest way is just straight through the muck. You have tried skirting safely around the edges, but know by now, there is no way to avoid the deepest spots. Skirting around the edges prolongs the agony.

You have also learned to embrace the pain, to welcome it, and to just cry sometimes... Because you know the growth is so worth it. It waits for you on the other side of the muck ...gleaming golden and shiney like a big beautiful prize. Sometimes you can't see it... But experience tells you it's there... And you have learned to trust experience as you have learned to trust the stages of grief. It too has never let you down.

When you reach that gleaming golden prize... You hoist it above your head and shout out and do a well deserved victory dance... You stay in that space for a while, you deserve it. You deserve to rest... You reflect and celebrate your accomplishments. 'Wow. I went through all that?" you say.

When it is time, you pick up your gleaming golden prize and you carry it with you - with the others you have achieved along the way. When the next step reveals itself, and by now, experience tells you it will ... you respectfully bow your head and say "ok. I got this."

Perhaps the staircase is spiral... And each step and the paths and trails and teachings the stages lead through actually lead you closer and closer to the grief that resides in the core of your spirit... Where it sits, patiently, just waiting to be felt.  Only then can we be free.

And I think in as much as possible we are just meant to make the most of our journey to it.

"I embrace my desire to

feel the rhythm, to feel connected

enough to step aside and weep like a widow

to feel inspired, to fathom the power,

to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,

to swing on the spiral

of our divinity and still be a human."

Maynard James Keenan - Lateralus TOOL 

Oh sweet clarity...

Yesterday was one of 'those' days.  Things went right, and things went wrong...  Much to be happy about, some to be nervous about, and even a little to be upset over.  I would call it a bit of an emotional rollercoaster kinda day. 

Last night, however, I was able to put much of the day behind me, and went to bed feeling SO loved, and so incredibly in love... This morning I happily woke with that peaceful loved and loving feeling still in my heart.

 

I opened my email while I was having coffee, as I do every day...  And there sat an email regarding the things that set off me on yesterday's rollercoaster.  Aaand low and behold... off I go again. I won't bore you with the details, in fact I am probably not even at liberty to fully discuss the situation openly at this time, but those details are irrelevant to this story.

This morning, I had a HUGE breakthrough moment... A moment where I slid into a place of clarity that I had never ever been before.

As I read the email this morning that set me off on an angry rant, my husband tells me, as he tells me almost every day about many many things work, life, and volunteer related...  "You need to not take this so personally" "you can't let this stuff get to your heart".

The familiarity of his words struck a chord within me...  "Coreena cries at TELUS commercials".  "Coreena cries at the news". "Coreena are you FOR REAL crying at Dumb and Dumber?".  "Coreena, you are taking it to personally" ... I have been hearing this stuff...these words MY WHOLE LIFE!

My husband's well meaning words sent me into my normal and oh so familiar spiral of negative self talk.  "Oh you did it again, you are so stupid. " and more stuff that I just won't share here...

Then my mouth opened and without even knowing the words that were going to come out I said "Honey, what if this is a strength and not a weakness.  Taking things to heart is who I am, and I like who I am.  It makes me SO good at so many things, including my job, being a mom, and volunteering...  Maybe I am not supposed to be able to turn that off?" 

He got really quiet and then said "Well, that's true.  I hadn't looked at it like that before.  But can you do that without beating yourself up??  I don't like it when you beat yourself up."

I said "Maybe I beat myself up because I keep not feeling like everyone tells me I should feel.  Maybe I should just feel how I feel?"

YESSSSSS!  Freedom.

Negative self talk... you're going down...

Clarity. Sweet sweet clarity.

2013, the year of 'Calm'

Well, here we are, nearing the end of another year. At this time every year, I like to spend a little time reflecting on the year passed and looking at all it's facets ... Embracing each moment. Each success, each failure, the happy moments and the sad ones. Looking at it all with an open mind, a vulnerable heart, and a complete willingness to take away the lessons that each instance was meant to teach me.
This year I learned:
- That I must allow my children to find their own way. My way might work for me, but that doesn't mean it will work for them.
- That as fabulous and amazing I know my kids to be, it means absolutely nothing if they can't see it for themselves. My mom heart witnessed MANY moments this year when my kids realized for themselves the wonderful people I ALWAYS new them to be.
- That I am absolutely willing to fiercely protect my family... Their hearts, their spirits, and their health. Even if the cost is great.
- That what other people think of me, is really none of my business.
- That my kids really do enjoy each others company. Hearing my kids say "I love you" to each other, completely illicit one of the greatest feelings on the planet.
- That it is OK to say 'No' to the things you do not want in your life, and how that makes it easier to say 'Yes' to the things you do.
- That times of 'quiet' are essential, each and every day.
- That people show love in a variety of ways... and if you look back, you will probably see it has always been there.
- That support, grace, dignity, and courage is alive, well, and thriving in the hearts of her lifelong dearest friends. Cancer never stood a chance.
- That marriage is tough, blended families are no picnic, but ALL things worth having, are absolutely worth working for.
- That my marriage is completely based on pure love, adoration, and respect. That there is NEVER a time when either of us sets out to intensionally hurt the other, and that the most heart healing words one can ever hear is a heartfelt "I am so sorry."
- That letting go of old pain, and releasing parts of ourselves that have been holding us back - in a sacred way can be extremely profound and freeing.
- That every day I open my eyes, I am SO very blessed by all the goodness that surrounds me.


My word for 2012 was 'Fly'. Looking back, 2012 offered me many opportunities to spread my wings. I can honestly close my eyes on Dec 31, 2012, and know I served my word well.

When I wake on Jan 1, 2013, my new word will be 'Calm'.

2013 is the year meditation and yoga. It is the year of honouring myself enough to let go of more of what I don't want to have in my life to make room for what I do want in my life. It is the year of no gossip, no drama, no absorbing, mirroring, or becoming part of the toxic behaviour of others. It is the year of walking away from things that make me feel ways I do not wish to feel so I can walk towards the things that feel right and peaceful.

It is the year of loving people first, and right off the bat, and still loving them no matter what. It is the year of seeing the good in all people. It is the year of looking for what is right, instead of what is wrong. It is the year of being kind to myself, and taking as many 'Day Ones' as I need to get it right.

It is the year of going where the peace is, and staying there as long as possible. It is the year of knowing the way to peace ALWAYS exists even if you happen to stray from it for a bit. It is the year of allowing what I think be as important to me as what others think. It is the year of always choosing to see the bright side. It is the year of shining a light on the dark places, and facing what is there. It is the year of embracing and rationalizing my fears, then overcoming them. Its the year of more art projects, and an Etsy shoppe.

It is the year that will set the stage for me to continue to live the way that lightens my spirit, puts a smile on my face, and puts peace in my heart.

It is the year of 'Calm'.

More Conversations with a Rokstar....

As an addendum to an earlier post, here is a continuation on my 'Best Seller' book propsal....

So. I am going to write a book and call it “Conversations with a Rokstar”. This is my life with this guy who makes me laugh my ass off … pretty much EVERY day.

• Chapter One: Why the Dead Sea is going to dry up by next Tuesday.
• Chapter Two: In the Zombie Apocalypse, don’t expect me to save your ass because your refusal to watch scary movies leaves you uneducated.
• Chapter Three: Next decade, when we are all dead and gone and only the wild animals remain, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
• Chapter Four: The eleventh commandment – Thou shalt not cover thine sandwich – a commentary on open faced buns at church functions.
• Chapter Five: Hey. This chicken looks like a vagina.
• Chapter Six: I married you for your hot ass, I didn’t know you were a princess.
• Chapter Seven: The only reason to become a doctor is for the naked chicks and the nice car… maybe I will become a pimp.
• Chapter Eight: My testicles are huge today. I think I will spend my day riding around on the back of a Dodge 4X4.
• Chapter Nine: I’ve been working hard on my number one hit – “I’ve got youuuuu… tied up in my basement.”

… More to come …

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update: ...as promised...

• Chapter Ten: Rokstar talks about his teenage years: no mom, I am not gay... I'm just a looser.
• Chapter Eleven: Self Help Rokstar style: "Honey, we're good... Some of the greatest minds in the world were fucked up."
• Chapter Twelve: Reading between the lines: "Miss Independence ... By Kelly Clarkson was actually meant to be titled 'Jeremy Kornel, I don't know you but I totally want you' "
• Chapter Thirteen: Observations on current teenage attire: "I think all the male teachers at the high school must be gay."
• Chapter Fourteen: Life coaching RS style: "Honey let me be clear about his intentions- there two types of men in this world, the men who would sleep with you, and then there are the gays."
• Chapter Fifteen: "Wow... I can't even see that guy." - things one must say EVERYTIME they encounter someone wearing camouflage.
• Chapter Sixteen: Bird Calls 101: 'I'm just talking to the birds, except I scared them away... I think I may have mastered the call of their enemy, either that or I just said "hey you sure got a purdy beak" in bird language *hums the theme to deliverance* "

... Still more to come I am sure... :)

Seven years ago today...

I love you

Not only for what you are;

But for what I am

When I am with you

 Roy Croft

Seven years ago, today... I awoke filled to the brim with nervous excitement.

Seven years ago, today... I was pampered, primped and pedicured as I prepared to look my very best as we started down this new path that was laid out before us.

Seven years ago, today, everyone was getting ready for the big day!

Princess Emma

Princess Aidan

Princes Amber

Ryley and Josh

Seven years ago, today, my princess's walked down the isle to their daddy (to this song) where he waited with our sons.

Seven years ago, today, on the arm of my dad, I walked down the isle (to this song) to meet them.

Seven years ago, today, we were reminded that:

Love works miracles every single day

Love brings to a relationship...

So many gifts:

Gifts of joy, hope, happiness

tolerance & understanding.

The gift of listening to your heart

Believing in yourselves and others

and realizing your dreams.

Love means...

Trusting enough to risk being hurt,

Even when you don't understand.

Weeping with the other in heartache,

and celebrating with them in joy. 

Love means...

Listening to each others deepest thoughts,

Supporting each others goals and dreams

and walking beside each other

offering courage and strength.

respecting one another,

and sharing all things.

Love means...

Welcoming the challenge

of whatever obstacles you will encounter,

Helping each other to grow

as indaviduals and as partners. 

Love is a relationship... 

It's about two people,

Having tremendous strengths

but also, having vulnerabilities, like we all do...

And one person being able to strengthen the other

in their areas of vulnerability.

Being there for the other

Needing the other

Completing the other.

Seven years ago, today, he said:

I call upon these persons present to witness that: I, Jeremy Daniel Kornel do take thee, Coreena Dawn Brodersen to be my lawful wedded wife.  

In you I have found my rock, my support, my one true love. I have found a caring mother, a compassionate friend and my one true soul mate. I promise to love you always, as I do today. I promise to be with you through laughter and tears as we concur all obstacles, that life puts befor us. I promise to respect and honor you in all that you do. Forever, I will cherish and never take for granted the love that we share.   

You are my inspiration, my muse, and my one true love. From today, and always... I love you.

Seven years ago, today, I responded:

I call upon these persons present to witness that: I, Coreena Dawn Brodersen do take thee Jeremy Daniel Kornel to be my lawful wedded husband...  

In doing so, I commit my life to you. To have and to hold as an equal partner in life to whom I give my deepest love and devotion. To build our dreams together while allowing you the space you need to grow with your own dreams. To evolve with you as a life partner, to be by your side, in all situations and all circumstances, no matter what life bring. I promise to be the best mother that I know how to be, yet I promise to be humble enough to know that there is always room to do better. I promise to honor and tenderly care for you, to cherish and encourage you, and to love you with all that I am for as long as we both shall live.  

From this day forward, I will be your proud wife, and your best friend.

Seven years ago, today, we exchanged rings, carried by our sons, with the words:

With this ring I give you my promise, that from this day forward, you shall never walk alone.  

My heart will be your shelter, my arms will be your home.  

We will walk together through life, as partners and best friends.  

I promise, that I shall always do my best to love and accept you, exactly the way you are.

With this ring, I give you your freedom and my trust in you.  

I give you my heart, until the end of time... I have no greater gift to give.

they took their jobs so seriously...

:) nothing like the tinkle of a wedding ring hitting the floor in the middle of a quiet cerimony.  <3

Seven years ago, today, surounded by a handful of family and friends, I did the ugly cry when she said "With pleasure I introduce you Jeremy and Coreena Kornel."

FINALLY!! (this my friends is my ugly cry! <3)

Seven years ago, today, we made promises to each other that we still cherish, honor and live everyday.

Seven years ago, today, I married my best friend.  The one, who, above all else 'gets' me, respects me, believes in me and sees the best in me.  I married the one who knew me better than I knew myself - all the good, and all the bad - and he loved me anyway.  I married the one who, from the deepest and sincerest part of his soul, has my best intrests, happiness and peacefulness at heart.

Seven years ago, today, we completed the circle that is now our big beautiful family.

Seven years ago, today, I became his Mrs.


It was my BEST day.

Forever.

Just laugh.

So…  some of you may already know I have kids.  I have a LOT of kids.  There are often five of them running around here.  Before I go on, let me say, I adore with all of my heart, each one of them for their own unique personalities.  Everyday I wake up bursting with gratitude that I get to be their Mom.  Yes, I DO have teenagers, and yes that does still apply to them.

I know I have said that I will someday write a book of conversations I sometimes have with my husband… aka The Rokstar…  But I think there is also a fabulous book just waiting to be written about the shit that goes down here on a daily basis where my kids are concerned…

Everything, in my house, is a joke. Everything. And about 90% of the time… the jokes are at my expense.  Maybe I am an easy target, maybe my kids mistake my “I’ve had enough – time to stop fucking with me” smile for the way less threatening “Oh you are so funny” version… I dunno.  I have even had to resort to drastic measures to get set some ground rules around here… But still... many a laugh is had in our home at my expense.

From the time, a few years ago, I put My wee-est princess to bed and kissed her darling sweet little face, and then turned to leave the room as she so sweetly said “Good night Mommy, make sure you sleep with one eye open.”  and then giggled... (for the record, I didn't sleep much that night... thanks Chucky)

Or the time I send my super hyper and 'bored' boys out to wash my car with the garden hose and a pail of soapy water.  I went out to see that they were actually doing as I asked, when my biggest boy threateningly points the hose at me.  I said to him “If you spray me with that hose I WILL kick your ass.”  Which was promptly followed by a compete and total saturation of my clothes, my hair, and my make-up by the hose wielding  little brat.  Clearly he knew the odds were in his favour.

Or how about the time the big Princess and I were playing UNO Spin.  I was instructed by the stupid spinny thing that I had to continuously draw cards until I found a ‘blue’ one.  Well, I am sure all the blue had been removed from the deck as I drew card after card after card…  the big princess was anxiously awaiting her turn and still the pile would not give me a blue freaking card as I drew and drew and drew.  Finally she blurts out a frustrated... “Ah for fuck sakes!”  She was 6.  I nearly spit out my kidney.

But most recently was an instant with my boy.  He was pushing the limits … goofing around, being crazy and hyper.  I was DONE.  I said – very sternly “Ryley ENOUGH now.  That is ENOUGH.  I have had enough, it is time to stop.  IT IS NOT FUNNY NOW STOP.”  He got all quiet, as he usually does after he’s been scolded, and put his head down, seemingly FINALLY heeding to my request.  Seconds later he pops his head up… fingers pulling down is eyes, other fingers pulling at the sides of his mouth, and still more fingers pushing up his nose.  He looks at me crossed eyed with his tongue sticking out of his distorted face and says “Is it funny now?” … seriously… The little brat.

Oh… But I too have some claims to fame…!

Like the time I sent the big princess to school all decked out in her freshly washed cute little hoody…  little did I know, the dryer – with the aid of static cling - had strategically deposited a pair of my skimpiest unmentionables in the hood of her sweater for her to find in the classroom, with all her friends as witnesses, as she prepared to start the school day. (and another $100 gets added to the ‘for future therapy’ fund)

Or recently the time that I secretly enlisted the help of the boys grade 8 homeroom teacher to assist me in getting the boy to pick his underwear up off the bathroom floor…  which was promptly followed by a text from the boy that read ‘WTF?!?!’ 10 minutes into the school day. ($100 in to the ‘fft’ fund)

Or the time I heard the biggest boy stirring in his room ready to come into the hall… I hid in the dark and went “BAAAA” as he entered the bathroom… he nearly wet his pants. ($100 to the ‘fft’ fund)

Or perhaps the time a few years ago when the wee-est princess kept going to an area of the yard I didn’t want her in because I couldn’t see her from where I was working, so I told her to be careful the monsters didn’t get her over there because that is where they sometimes hung out… she stayed in my sight after that… and we had to do the 'protect your room from monsters' ritual every night for a month so she would sleep in her own bed. ($100 to the ‘fft’ fund)

So... Over the years I have learned...

• that I really had no choice but to stop taking myself so seriously.  
• that the words “ohhh, when I have kids, my kids will never ever be allowed to….” ONLY come back to bite you in the ass. Hard.
• that the curse… the one put on us by our moms… when she says “Someday, when you have kids, I hope your kids act just like you are acting right now!” … is real, and true, and, in hindsight, should scare the hell out of any self righteous know-it-all-teen…  ‘cause reality is, you will get away with nothing.  You ALWAYS gotta pay for that shit.

That its the moments

• that each and every moment that you laugh, and the ones that you cry… 
• the moments where you have that kick ass parenting breakthrough that you want to proudly tell the world about…
• the parenting moments that maybe weren’t so kick ass and you would prefer to keep to yourself while secretly freaking out that social services are going to show up on your doorstep…
• the moments where you are at the beginning of your rope ... and the moments where you are at the end… 

 All of the moments. Every one.  Good or bad.  Are all part of our journey. 

The journey where we are blindly doing the best we can to just keep them alive until they are ready to be unleashed on the world... and hoping somehow along the way we manage to turn these little people that came to us as a clean slate... into respectable adults… as we try to do the best we can figuring shit out as we go. 

Each moment good and bad, needs to be embraced and cherished for the lessons and the richness it has brought into our lives. 

I have learned that the only way to emerge from this journey without the urge to randomly lick walls, and remain straight jacket free is to always remember to simply just laugh along the way.

I thank my children, from the deepest part of my heart for helping me to learn that lesson.